Enrich My Life

It’s really difficult to read your heart and it’s more difficult to understand what you think about me. I’m really upset. Every time when I felt that I got closer to your heart, you ran away. I know that you just want to be my friend, and I don’t want to compel you to do anything you don’t want to do. However, I felt disappointed every time. I really care about you and I always think of you if there is something important. I put you in priority all the time. I know that this is wrong, but I can’t stop myself doing it. So, I got hurt every time. It’s not your bad indeed. You have no obligation to do anything for me. But, why don’t you try to care more about me? Why don’t you try to pay more attention to me? I really don’t want to be the last one you will think of…

Tonight I told about my story again in Toastmasters meeting, but the different thing was that I talked about it in English this time. I don’t know how did all the audiences think about it, but at least I could tell from their face expressions that I did convey my feelings to them through my story. Apart from my nervousness and poor fluency, I think the story was still affecting. It was still with happiness, regret, anger, confession, repentance and forgiveness, but it was impossible to tell the whole story in seven minutes. Maybe it should take ages or even have no ending. Anyway, this was my icebreaker speech. Maybe delivering this speech as the beginning could have a special meaning for me, which suggests that I could definitely have a new start from now on. I am brave enough to talk about it now and really learn something from it. I will be able to surmount the difficulties which I will encounter in the future. I believe in it.

Actually I want to try writing a new story now, but it seems that I have no opportunities. I am not failed, because there was even without a start. I am upset honestly, but I can do nothing. You taught me how to give, but, however you didn’t teach me how to get. I admit that it’s really stupid that you give people as much as you can but expecting nothing from it. Nevertheless, you will perhaps do the same thing over and over again. I don’t know what I should do. There is something that you are eager for, but you don’t have chances to get it. It’s really frustrated. Just make myself better and wait.

This is the second time that I have this kind of feeling since I came to Australia. Several times, I just sat at my laptop and came into a trance. I couldn’t concentrate on what I should do and just waited for time elapsing. I think there should be something in my mind, which has distracted me for a long time. Sometimes I feel that I really need someone to talk to me and encourage me. I know that I should be very independent and dedicate to my goal, but I am just a normal person. Some things are more than flesh and blood can bear. Maybe I don’t have the pressure which comes from UEEC now, so I could have so much time to worry about something else. I should motivate myself more often and manage my time more efficiently. However, I don’t like to isolate myself, and I want someone who could give me mental support when I am in need. Sometimes when I think about my future, I go in a state of panic. I worry about that I won’t be competent even if I finish my study in Australia. I know nothing practical but studying. It means that I am not valuable if I won’t work in school in the future. When it comes to work in industry, the only advantage I’ll get is my English proficiency. However, there is still a lot of room for improvement with my English now…