Enrich My Life

Tonight I sucked. I fucked up my sixth speech. It was so embarrassed even though everyone in my club was still very supportive and nice to me. But I knew that I did pretty badly in my speech tonight. I think I’ve been getting too comfortable recently ever since I submitted all my assignments for this semester and I won the in-club speech competition. I tended to tell myself to relax for a while after all the hard work I’ve done. However, it turned out that I was just finding a lame excuse for my laziness. Ever since I got Australia, I’ve seen so many talented students working harder than me. I don’t know how I could possibly compete with them. Maybe I should thank god for that most of them are not engineering students. They are international students as I am, but they speak English fluently and eloquently. Sometimes I even doubted about their backgrounds as it’s hard to believe that they are not English native speakers. It’s really frustrated when sometimes I talked to them casually but couldn’t understand what they’ve just said. I felt like I am an idiot. Same situation at my house. Sometimes when Gerard and Jennie talked about Chinese culture, I knew that they’ve been given wrong information but I couldn’t explain properly and correctly. I felt ashamed of myself because I could barely defend for my culture. Also, sometimes I got the feeling that they think of me as a child who is strongly dependent on my parents. Jennie is very proud of her son because he makes his own living as a waiter at several cafes and is doing well on his school work. I am not jealous of that, but I just want to say they totally have no ideas about how difficult it is for a foreigner trying to survive in an unfamiliar environment. I am not trying to justify my occasional laziness and I have to admit that I still depend on my parents financially. However, it really not as colourful as you thought the life in Australia. Maybe you saw the photos I shot during my traveling and reckoned that this guy is living a pleasant life in Australia, but you were wrong. Maybe I don’t have to bother making my own living in Australia, but I have to endure the loneliness and absorb the culture shock down here. I have to say that I still feel racism here and personally I believe that ethnic barrier could never be eliminated. Often times you can see Caucasians only hang out with Caucasians and Asians only hang out with Asians even the Australian born Asians. For most of them, an international student like me is just a FOB and they are not really into hanging out with me. I’ve already realised that and now I love Taiwan even more. 

I have no ideas what is ganna happen to me next year. Sometimes I thought how dump I was to decide staying in Australia for half more year, which means that I have to spend more of my parents’ money. I know I want to be better in terms of my expertise at solar engineering and English proficiency. I am also looking for an opportunity that I can work for an international company overseas after I graduate. I don’t know if I am right today when I look back twenty years from now. The only thing I know is that never feel regret at any decision I made but anything I wanted to do but I haven’t done yet.

I’ve been very lazy since this semester started. There is always an excuse. For example, I always told myself I’ve already survived my first semester, so every thing is ganna be easy for me this semester. I don’t have to work as hard as I did last semester. Or, I’m ganna start working next year. This could be my final student life, so I deserve the right to enjoy it before I go to work in the bloody hell. I need more passion in my life now. Otherwise, I can’t see any possibility that I am qualified enough to find a good job after finishing my Master degree. I’ve never managed well to juggle my study, my club and my leisure time. Sometimes I even spent whole day doing nothing meaningful but just watching films. It’s so pathetic. Maybe I am really feeling sick of my study now. I wanna finish it as soon as possible, but I still have one more semester to go. Sometimes I thought maybe I was so stupid to ask my school office to cancel some of my transferred credits. I can finish my Master this November if I didn’t put forward the request to my school office. But, what’s done is done. Just fuck it up!

I really miss my home now. I wanna go back to Taiwan and meet up with some good friends of mine. I wanna drive my car to anywhere without any specific destinations. I wanna take my parents to some good eateries I knew from internet. I wanna hang out with my friends all day doing some interesting stuff. Homesickness, I’ve never thought it could ever happen to me. I am happy with living with Gerard’s family, but sometimes I could still feel some barrier between us. I could never be as close as their children to them. I know I am not a child anymore, but sometimes I just wanna have the warm feelings of being home. Home is always the sweetest place, just like a friend of mine once told me. Now I can totally understand how he felt when he told me about it.

Do not take bad things badly

Today I want to share a personal story with you. An accident occurred to me when I was undertaking my military service in Taiwan. This story might be a little bit heavy for you. But for me, it did really change my attitude toward my life ever since. I served as the second lieutenant in the army during my military life. After finishing my basic training at the military school, I was assigned to serve at an ammunition base. My duty was basically to supervise a bomb repair line at a factory and make sure that every solider in the factory does comply with the standard operation process when working at the bomb repair line. Every bomb we had to deal with was quite old. Most of the bombs were older than me. Some of the bombs were even produced more than fifty years ago. So, every time when we opened the boxes to take out the old bombs, it was quite scary. The metal shell of the bombs was rusty and sometimes you could even see the explosives inside the bomb. It was a quite dangerous job actually. You would never know whether the bomb is going to explode when you are working on it. Everyday I could hear my heart beating when I was working at the factory so did other soldiers.

How to have fun watching a movie alone?

I love watching movies very much. From action films, comedy films, adventure films to romantic film, these are all my favorites. I like to know different kinda stories which fascinate me but I am too lazy to read books through pages by pages, sentences by sentences. So, watching movies provides me a very good way to know different kinda stories. Also, sometimes I like to imagine that I was the actor in the film, which provides me opportunities to experience different kinda lives I could possibly have, and it will great to share my enjoyment with someone just after the movies. But what if you can’t share someone with you enjoyment and excitement because you go to see a movie alone? Sometimes, because you want to, because someone has cancelled, or for a number of reasons, you find yourself watching a movie alone. How can you make sure that you have fun, and not end up feeling lonely or bored? Here are some tips that I wanna share with you.

Have a Good Cry

“Mum, may I cry or should I be brave?” This is a question posed by a little girl moments before being taken a surgery for a leg amputation. We share conflicting feelings about crying. On the one hand, shedding tears could show deep concern. On the other hand, may not tears convey a lack of courage?

Today I went to Sydney Royal Easter Show at Olympic Park by myself. Actually I made a plan last night to visit Blue Mountains today, but I checked the weather report this morning and found that it was raining in Katoomba. Thus, I went back sleep for one more hour and changed my plan to go to Easter show instead. This was my second time to visit Olympic Park actually, but last time I just came here to have a look with my friends quickly.

Since I didn’t purchase the ticket online beforehand, I had to wait in queue in order to buy the ticket at the gate. After I got the ticket, I just found that the ticket is called “showlink”, which means that you can use the ticket to take buses, trains and ferries unlimited in one day. I already bought return ticket when I caught train to come here. It’s a waste of money. I always do this kind of stupid things.

Few days ago I just found that I was ripped off by a car rental company in Melbourne. Its name is Europcar. I rented a car from a franchise of this company at St. Kilda in Melbourne around one and half months ago. I left my debt card number to the company at that time in order to rent a car and buy insurance. I already made all the payment after the rental. But, few days ago when I checked my netbank account, I found that there were some discrepancies in it. Around 50 box in my balance was gone. I had no idea about it. Then I went to bank to seek for help with this problem. The bank staff told me that Europcar took my money away. But the company is at Tullamarine in Melbourne. What a fucking die! I am in Sydney now. How could I rent a car there? In order to contact this fucking company, I even bought a phone card in order to make interstate phone calls. Shit! A waste of my money. What the worst was that the company staff told me that their manager was off-duty on weekends. I have to contact them again on weekdays. Shit! I have been very busy recently and I have to finish several assignments and project reports in the next two weeks. I also have a mid-term exam before the upcoming break. Basically, I don’t have any spared time to handle this fucking trouble. Even though it was just 50 box, no one could guarantee you that this bloody company will not rip you off again next time. If it does the same thing every one month, it will be a lump sum of money eventually. Maybe I have to think positively because I could gain some experience through this trouble. But, it’s quite difficult for me now to argue with English native speakers honestly. Shit! I tried to ask the staff to speak a bit slowly since I am not an English native speaker, but she just slowed down her vocal speed for less than one minute. Could I sue her for discrimination? Shit! Quite troublesome. Actually I have to concentrate on my uni work very much for the following two weeks, but it seems that I have set aside some time to get rid of this trouble. I think I’ll renew my debt card or even transfer my money to another bank. I feel very insecure about this card now. Someone could even charge me and take my money away without my permission from my bank account. It’s ridiculous and unreasonable. Fuck!

It’s really difficult to read your heart and it’s more difficult to understand what you think about me. I’m really upset. Every time when I felt that I got closer to your heart, you ran away. I know that you just want to be my friend, and I don’t want to compel you to do anything you don’t want to do. However, I felt disappointed every time. I really care about you and I always think of you if there is something important. I put you in priority all the time. I know that this is wrong, but I can’t stop myself doing it. So, I got hurt every time. It’s not your bad indeed. You have no obligation to do anything for me. But, why don’t you try to care more about me? Why don’t you try to pay more attention to me? I really don’t want to be the last one you will think of…

Tonight I told about my story again in Toastmasters meeting, but the different thing was that I talked about it in English this time. I don’t know how did all the audiences think about it, but at least I could tell from their face expressions that I did convey my feelings to them through my story. Apart from my nervousness and poor fluency, I think the story was still affecting. It was still with happiness, regret, anger, confession, repentance and forgiveness, but it was impossible to tell the whole story in seven minutes. Maybe it should take ages or even have no ending. Anyway, this was my icebreaker speech. Maybe delivering this speech as the beginning could have a special meaning for me, which suggests that I could definitely have a new start from now on. I am brave enough to talk about it now and really learn something from it. I will be able to surmount the difficulties which I will encounter in the future. I believe in it.

Actually I want to try writing a new story now, but it seems that I have no opportunities. I am not failed, because there was even without a start. I am upset honestly, but I can do nothing. You taught me how to give, but, however you didn’t teach me how to get. I admit that it’s really stupid that you give people as much as you can but expecting nothing from it. Nevertheless, you will perhaps do the same thing over and over again. I don’t know what I should do. There is something that you are eager for, but you don’t have chances to get it. It’s really frustrated. Just make myself better and wait.

This is the second time that I have this kind of feeling since I came to Australia. Several times, I just sat at my laptop and came into a trance. I couldn’t concentrate on what I should do and just waited for time elapsing. I think there should be something in my mind, which has distracted me for a long time. Sometimes I feel that I really need someone to talk to me and encourage me. I know that I should be very independent and dedicate to my goal, but I am just a normal person. Some things are more than flesh and blood can bear. Maybe I don’t have the pressure which comes from UEEC now, so I could have so much time to worry about something else. I should motivate myself more often and manage my time more efficiently. However, I don’t like to isolate myself, and I want someone who could give me mental support when I am in need. Sometimes when I think about my future, I go in a state of panic. I worry about that I won’t be competent even if I finish my study in Australia. I know nothing practical but studying. It means that I am not valuable if I won’t work in school in the future. When it comes to work in industry, the only advantage I’ll get is my English proficiency. However, there is still a lot of room for improvement with my English now…

I’ve been busy for my essay for more than two weeks and I feel that I almost ran out of the energy I stored during Christmas break. However, I finished it eventually and submitted it to my teacher today. To be honest, it is a really tough task. Not only does the fact that I encountered language difficulties in writing the essay, but the fact that the different way of thinking in writing an English article could also make it difficult for me to compose a good essay. The way of composing an academic writing in English is totally different from in Chinese, especially the emphasis on writer’s voice or assertion in each paragraph. As a student here, you are always expected to have your own opinions.

The educational systems of western countries expect students to build up the capacities of independent thinking and studying skills during their studies. They don’t want to just give you the answer. Instead, they expect you to identify the question and find the solution to it on your own. Therefore, I think many overseas students have struggled with it since came to Australia and need a period of time to overcome this transition.

I have been in Sydney for two months. Generally, everything is fine now and I become more accustomed to the environment here. To some extent, I think I love Sydney now. Beautiful environment and most people here are friendly. Moreover, it is interesting to make friends from different countries. I could learn something about the country which my friends come from through talking to them instead of searching the information about it on internet. Sometimes I could even compare my friends’ culture with my culture and find out some major differences which I haven’t known before. If I could have a choice now, I think I will make a decision to stay here as long as possible.